


The End is (Almost) Nigh

by Shadow_Of_Castiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-28
Updated: 2010-04-28
Packaged: 2017-10-09 05:16:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/83423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadow_Of_Castiel/pseuds/Shadow_Of_Castiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A humorous one shot exploring the trials and tribulations of just going to a diner late at night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The End is (Almost) Nigh

The first sign that the end was almost nigh was when Dean Winchester first saw the man with the placard stationed at every street corner. It was always the same man, mind you, standing at every intersection, every junction and crossroads, even in the middle of the pavement on more than one occasion, all the way from Chicago to Los Angeles. Ordinarily, this shouldn't have been possible and Dean still didn't understand how it could even still be possible, unless you took into consideration that this was, in fact, the Apocalypse.

The thing that bothered Dean the most about the man with the placard that turned up everywhere they went, was the actual wording on said placard. It read, in large candy striped bubble lettering with friendly flowers and bunny rabbits encircling the message - "The end is almost nigh. Eat all you like buffet at McCannibals for $10."

Each and every time he was tempted to just run the guy over and leave him as roadkill and each and every time Sam stopped him, hypothesizing in the only way that Sam Winchester can hypothesize that they couldn't leave him as roadkill. When pressed and questioned further, Sam had shrugged and given the age old Einsteinian Theory of Metaphysics - "Because I said so."

Castiel had merely watched the man disappear into the distance from his vantage point stationed at the rear window of the Impala only to turn and to see the same man coming towards them through the windshield again.

The second sign that the end was almost nigh was when Dean Winchester first saw the zombie cat. He knew that it was a zombie cat because its fur was a rather fetching shade of puce green and it had dribbles of blood at its mouth. Plus the thing groaned and looked like a feline reject from Shaun of the Dead, with its shambling walk and its glassy stare and its propensity to hit people with cricket bats to the tempo of "Don't Stop Me Now" as performed by Queen.

The thing that bothered Dean the most about the zombie cat was that it walked on its hind legs instead of on all fours, forepaws stretched out in front of its green furred body, aiming for anything that dared to be so foolhardy enough as to wander directly into its slow and shambling path.

Each and every time, he was tempted to run the cat over and leave it for roadkill and each and every time, Sam stopped him with a mere flash of his best bitch!face, all screwed up intensity and narrowed eyes and the look of someone who could stop your dinner money for a week at the drop of a baseball cap. Dean didn't want his dinner money stopped so he steered well clear of the shambling zombie cat and carried on driving. Besides which, he didn't want to cause damage and further insult to his car by disgracing the paintwork with the gore of a splattered zombie cat on the chrome fender.

The third sign that the end was almost nigh was when Dean Winchester noticed something wrong with his box of animal crackers he'd happened upon in a run down gas station by the side of the road. Hungry to the point of hand wringing despair, he bought that last packet of animal crackers, knowing that there was little chance of food for at least a quarter mile. He knew he'd be dead by hunger by the time he reached the nearest eating establishment

The thing that bothered him the most about that last packet of gas station animal crackers, was the fact of the broken seal. It said quite plainly on the packaging - "Do not eat if seal is broken." He tried and he tried, but he could not find a broken seal, merely a broken giraffe and a broken lion hidden within its crackery depths.

Each and every time he made a foul swoop through his box of animal crackers, tirelessly looking for the seal in an attempt to stop it from possibly breaking, Castiel had sighed and told him that all the seals were long broken and that the end was almost nigh anyway. He advised Dean to eat the animal crackers and not worry about broken seals any longer. The past was the past and all that blues infused jazz. No matter the state of the seal, broken or otherwise, Castiel had helped Dean to eat the animal crackers, eating more than an angel really should and finally deciding that the crackers were a blight on the face of the earth and were better reserved for dens of iniquity than the back seat of a gleaming Impala.

The fourth sign that the end was almost nigh was when Dean Winchester pulled into the roadside McDonalds to discover that it wasn't a McDonald's at all, but a foul and bloody masquerade of a popular family diner, or fouler and bloodier than it usually was on the best of days. Dean still didn't trust the kids and Sam had never been able to look Ronald McDonald in his highly painted face without crying uncontrollably and trying to climb in Castiel's coat pocket, perplexed by the simple mathematics that a 6' 4" Winchester simply won't fit in a 6' 0" angel's coat pocket no matter how hard said Winchester tried.

The thing that bothered all three of them was the simple fact of the menu, being of a rather macabre and grisly nature. Gone were the friendly by comparison Chicken McNugget Happy Meals, the Filet-O-Fish and the Big Mac with extra cheese and hold the freaking gherkins if you don't mind. Instead, said friendly by comparison meal choices were replaced by such gourmet delights as McHead and Fries, McBrains Double Deluxe Super Supreme Meal with free zombie soft toy, all served with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Dean shuddered to think what they substituted for onion rings in a refined eating establishment such as this.

Everywhere on every surface was emblazoned the popular and enduring image of the friendly neighbourhood cannibal, Hannibal Lector, leering from behind his mask and stamped across each surface of every Unhappy Meal available.

As if things weren't already weird enough, a posse of ladybugs came crowding in, cutting off Sam, Dean and Castiel's escape with their multi spotted tracksuits and bling covered pendants around their insectoid necks. When the establishment refused to serve them their aphids, they started a riot, destroying the deep fat fryers and the bubbling vats of what obviously wasn't tomato soup.

While the patrons of the McCannibal's restaurant were otherwise disposed by rioting ladybugs, Castiel led the Winchester brothers through the plate glass front doors without bothering to open them first. Dean didn't seem to mind - after all, he was all about destruction at the end of the day - but Sam fussed and primped over his hair and didn't like the shards of glass that kept turning up in his collar at odd moments.

Castiel himself kept picking glass from his soft feathered wings and soon agreed to sharing a shower with Dean as soon as they reached the nearest motel. Sam, however, wasn't invited to join in, which the younger Winchester looked vaguely pleased about behind his usual bitch!face of bitch!faced doom. No one argued however with Dean when he said that they wouldn't visit another McCannibals restaurant for as long as they lived, preferring instead to visit the normal McDonald's where at least people called in the police every time the kitchen ran out of Chicken McNuggets. Stupidity was inherent in humanity and therefore not a sign of an impending apocalypse after all.

After at least another quarter mile of driving where they saw the same man from earlier in the night with his freaky placard eighteen times, and the zombie cat a further twelve times, they pulled in to the nearest McDonalds, where at least the burgers looked as they should, even if they didn't match up with the photos hanging over the counter. Dean considered pulling a Michael Douglas act on the joint, pulling out his sawed off rifle and demanding just why the burgers didn't look like their corresponding photos, but decided to leave that kind of behavior to rioting ladybugs and Michael Douglas.

Once they were served, they sat and ate their meal in silence, attempting to ignore the zombie cat pressed ominously up against the glass window and striking kung fu poses at every opportunity while he waited. Castiel soon shielded him from view with one outstretched fluffy wing, until they were ready to leave, whereupon the angel was quite looking forward to his shared shower with Dean. No one spoke on the way to the nearest motel, not even when the man with the too cheerful apocalyptical placard turned up in the motel parking lot, eyes blazing with cheerful doom, remaining silent as they passed him.

They entered their motel room, whereupon Sam went straight to bed without even taking off any of his clothes or his boots, while Dean and Castiel headed for the shower. Despite their separate pursuits, they each knew that the man with the placard would still be there in the morning, as would the zombie cat, the rioting ladybugs and the search for Lucifer. Sometimes, life was comfortable in its apocalyptical predictability and routine, and they each were complacent with that ...

-fini-


End file.
